


Fodlan BHimbo Institute Chatroom | Fire Emblem: Three Houses Chatroom Fic

by Freezing_Jazzy, sproutisms



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Edelgard for like a second, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, I dont know what to put for the ships ill add them as i go along ig, I have an online class tomorrow, It's 2:17 AM on a Thursday night, M/M, Male My Unit | Byleth, Memes, Mercedes for like a second, Rhea in a couple of chapters, Spoilers, Why the fuck did I make this?, a lot of stupid shit, dead memes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:47:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23574115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freezing_Jazzy/pseuds/Freezing_Jazzy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sproutisms/pseuds/sproutisms
Summary: What do you get when you put all of the males in the three houses into a chatroom? You get the Fodlan BHimbo Institute.
Relationships: Caspar von Bergliez/Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/My Unit | Byleth/Claude von Riegan, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 16
Kudos: 85





	1. "Good Goddess, What have I created?" - Byleth

_ **FODLAN MAGIC MESSAGING SYSTEM** _

_ **NEW CHATROOM CREATED** _

_ **DATE CREATED: 6/7/1180** _

_ **CREATED BY: Byleth** _

**[Byleth has entered the chatroom]**

* * *

**Byleth's Mind**

Byleth sat there looking at the chatroom "Hmm... It would be wise to invite the house I am teaching, However... It would be nice for the students to communicate with each other rather than them being distant from eachother. Yes, I shall do this. I shall be an excellent professor that cares about his students! God, You're so good at you're job, Byleth. Why thank you, Byleth. Don't mention it, Byleth!"

* * *

**[Byleth has invited Edelgard von Hresvelg]**

**[Byleth has invited Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd]**

**[Byleth has invited Claude von Riegan]**

**[Edelgard von Hresvelg has entered the chatroom]**

**[Dimitri Alexander Blaiddyd has entered the chatroom]**

**[Claude von Riegan has entered the chatroom]**

**Byleth:** Welcome! Wonderful house leaders! Invite your houses and commune with each other! This is our place of communicating with one another. I thought it would be nice to talk to each other, even if we're nowhere near each other!

**[Claude von Riegan has kicked Edelgard von Hresvelg from the chatroom]**

**Byleth:** CLAUDE WHAT THE FUCK

 **Claude:** What? I thought it would be nice to have this one place for DA BOOOOOOOIS!

 **Dimitri:** Pardon me, but what does "DA BOOOOOOIS!" mean?

 **Claude:** It means only the males of Fodlan can stomp around this here chatroom! ITS FOR DA BOOOOIS! And speaking of da bois

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Lorenz Hellman Glaucester]**

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Raphael Kirsten]**

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Ignatz Victor]**

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Dedue Molinaro]**

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Felix Hugo Fraldarius]**

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Ashe Ubert]**

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Sylvain Jose Gautier]**

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Hubert von Vestra]**

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Ferdinand von Aegir]**

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Linhardt von Hevring]**

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Caspar von Bergliez]**

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Yuri Leclerc]**

**[Claude von Riegan has invited Balthus von Albrecht]**

**[13 Recipients have Joined]**

**Sylvain:** ITS TIME FOR DA BOIIIIIIIIS

 **Caspar:** WE DA BOIIIIIS

 **Claude:** HERE WE GO BOIS

 **Raphael:** HOO HOO HOO HOO

 **Balthus:** *Default Dances like an _e p i c g a m e r_ *

 **Felix:** Why the fuck are you all getting so excited over a chatroom? And why did you invite all of us Claude?

 **Claude:** Stupid question, Next!

 **Ferdinand:** I am Ferdinand von Aegir

**[Ferdinand von Aegir has changed everyone's names to Ferdinand von Aegir]**

**Ferdinand von Aegir:** WAIT WHAT THE FUCK

 **Ferdinand von Aegir:** FERDINAND YOU BITCH

 **Ferdinand von Aegir:** WHO THE FUCK

 **Ferdinand von Aegir:** FERDINAND I AM GOING TO KILL YOU AND THEN KILL YOU AGAIN

 **Ferdinand von Aegir:** @Ferdinand von Aegir FIX THIS

 **Ferdinand von Aegir:** BITCH WHY TF YOU PING ME?

 **Ferdinand von Aegir:** WAIT WHO WAS THAT

 **Ferdinand von Aegir:** SYLVAIN YOU DUMBASS

 **Ferdinand von Aegir:** OH IM SORRY I CANT TELL SHIT

 **Ferdinand von Aegir:** Sweet Sothis what have I done?

 **Ferdinand von Aegir:** FIX THIS SHIT FERDINAND

 **Ferdinand von Aegir:** ALRIGHT ALRIGHT DAMN JUST LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT

**[Ferdinand von Aegir has restored everyone's names]**

**Hubert:** Ferdinand as soon as I see you, it's on sight you bitch ass. you hear me? it is on sight. no cap. that's on sothis, on seiros, on the goddess.

 **Ferdinand:** You can't hurt me this fucking suit is gucci supreme with a luis vuitton belt. 🅱️roke ass.

 **Hubert:** Your specialty aint in defense you bitch ass ho

**Byleth: _All of you better calm down because i'm this close to snapping 👌_**

**Dimitri:** Professor... Your fingers are touching

**Byleth: _I K N O W_**

**Claude:** Well, This is fun isn't it teach? Better than what you had previously planned right?

 **Byleth:** I guess. If you guys are truly enjoying this and having fun

 **Ashe:** It seems very lively and fun! I like it!

 **Linhardt:** As long as you guys don't start messaging at 3 AM, or 7 PM, or 2 PM, or 12 PM, or literally whenever I'm napping, I guess we're fine.

 **Dimitri:** It seems fun, and to be surrounded by such particular characters too...

 **Sylvain:** Your highness, We shall show you the way. The way of dank memes. for example

**[Sylvain has sent "Sylvain Emblem: Dancing All Night"]**

**Dimitri:** Sylvain what the fuck is this?

 **Sylvain:** Danke Memes your princeliness... Danke memes...

 **Claude:** It's beautiful. But not as beautiful as me. ahahaha ~~someone please date me~~

 **Ferdinand:** I guess I could stay, being ruler seems fun

 **Byleth:** Ok, What about everyone else that hasn't interacted?

**[Byleth's message has been reacted too with "👌" 13 times]**

**Byleth:** Well, I guess that answers my question. Well, I have work to attend to. You all do your shitpostings and stuff, I have to grade your tests. And I stg Claude if your test is a 69% again, I'm gonna fucking lose my marbles

 **Claude:** Well you lost those a long time ago when you started this chatroom teach

 **Byleth:** Fair enough. Well see you all tomorrow or later.

 **Claude:** See ya'

 **Dimitri:** Good day professor

 **Ashe:** Bye bye!

 **Sylvain:** See ya m8

 **Felix:** I hope you think about your decisions

 **Ferdinand:** I am Ferdinand von Aegir

**[Byleth has left the chatroom]**

* * *

**After Byleth left**

Byleth thought to himself about the fun all the students seemed to be having already, It has been one day and they're already teaching each other new stuff.

"Maybe this wasn't much of a mistake after all."

Byleth sat at his desk and began grading papers before Edelgard barged in

"MY TEACHER! WHY DID YOU ALLOW CLAUDE TO EXILE ME FROM THE CHATROOM?!"

"HEY IT WASN'T MY FAULT HE SAID IT WAS FOR 'THE BOYS' GO BEAT HIM UP NOT ME! I'M INNOCENT!"

"YOU COULD'VE JUST INVITED ME BACK" Edelgard approached Byleth

"I'M SORRY I HAVE 4 BRAINCELLS I DIDN'T USE THEM AT THE TIME PLEASEDONTHURTMEOHGODDESS"

Byleth didn't finish grading the papers due to, unforeseen consequences.

* * *

**A Meme I saw on Twitter:**

**Original:**

[Made by: @wrongblckeagles on Twitter](https://twitter.com/wrongblckeagles/status/1222395115202928640)

****


	2. "Why are you all himbos?" - Byleth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After training one day, Byleth asks the important question that he just HAS to ask.  
> "Why are you all Himbos?"

**At the Training Grounds...**

Byleth walked up to Sylvain who was in the middle training with Felix and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Sylvain, Can you come with me for a moment?" Sylvain turned around and smiled at Byleth

"Oh, Sure professor!" Sylvain turned to Felix and talked to Felix for a second "One second, Felix. We'll train again later." He winked and turned around then walked with Byleth

"It seems that you have been a bit behind on the school work. I'm going to need you to catch up, Sylvain." Byleth looked at him with a bit of concern

"Relax professor, I'll get on it as soon as I can. Don't even worry about it." Sylvain winked at him

"By the way, You're still sweating a bit, Would you like some water?" Byleth asked while looking down at his papers

"Nah, It's fine. I've got my own way, I'll just head back to the training grounds." Sylvain proceeded to take off his shirt

"Fair enough, Oh and by the way-" Byleth looked up from his papers and at Sylvain "Sylvain, Why is your shirt off?"

"Oh! It's the way I cool down, It also attracts some of the ladies to the beautiful body of mine." Sylvain winked and walked back to the training grounds

**2 Hours Later...**

Byleth sat at his desk looking at the chatroom join button, tapping his foot anxiously with his hands near his face.

"For Sothis's sake, I have to do it. I just have to ask it. My life will be in shambles if I don't ask it." He entered the chatroom

* * *

_ **FODLAN MAGIC MESSAGING SYSTEM** _

_ **DATE CREATED: 6/7/1180** _

_ **TODAY'S DATE: 6/10/1180** _

_ **CREATED BY: Byleth** _

**Claude:** Yeah, It's actually kind of hard trying to find that rainbow fish. It's like pride month, It only comes out 1 out of the 12 god damn months when it should really be caught every single day. On top of that it's so god damn hard to catch.

**[Byleth has entered the chatroom]**

**Byleth:** I

 **Byleth:** I don't know what the fuck to say to that

 **Claude:** Shhhhh... Don't say anything then

 **Byleth:** I

 **Byleth:** Fine

 **Sylvain:** Hey professor! How's it going?

 **Dimitri:** Hello professor!

 **Ferdinand:** Good afternoon professor.

 **Ashe:** Hi professor!

 **Byleth:** Everyone shut your fucking mouths I have an important fucking question for you all.

 **Claude:** Sheesh teach, what has you riled up?

 **Byleth:** Well you see, this question has been on my mind since Sylvain instigated it.

 **Felix:** Sylvain, What did you do?

 **Sylvain:** I didn't do anything! I swear on it!

 **Byleth:** Don't lie to me motherfucker you know what you did.

 **Sylvain:** I don't! Seriously! Please stop attacking me ;-;

 **Byleth:** You took off your shirt and walked away you asshole

 **Sylvain:** thATS WHAT I DID??????/??

**Byleth: _YES IT INSTIGATED THE QUESTION OF WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL HIMBOS_**

**Claude:** AJKSHDJHKAWGKJDHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **Ferdinand:** W HA T!?!??!

 **Sylvain:** HWO IS THIS MY FAYULT?

 **Felix:** I'm fucking done with all your bullshit

**[Felix has left the chatroom]**

**Claude: HAJKJKAHWDKJAHWDGJGASGJDVHBSKAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA**

**Caspar:** I AM _**SCREAMING**_

 **Byleth:** ANSWER THE QUESTIONS YOU HIMBOS

 **Dimitri:** Pardon me for asking, but what is a "himbo?"

 **Ashe:** I would also like to be insighted on this word please

 **Claude:** Dimitri dimitri dimitri dimitri. honey. a Himbo is a very attractive male that lacks any braincells

 **Dimitri:** a very attractive male that _**what now?**_

 **Claude:** HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Ashe:** Oh! I appreciate the fact that you consider us attractive professor, but it's still a bit hurtful that you say we lack braincells.

 **Byleth:** _**shut the fuck up ashe you know your ass is a twink himbo yourself** _

**Claude:** HAAAAAAAASJKDHKAJHSDKJA I FUCKING CANT I CANT IM WALKING AWAY FOR AMINUTE HOLY SHIT

 **Sylvain:** Well the only person you can consider a bimbo in this chatroom is me. I'm the dumbest one of the bunch which means I'm clearly more attractive than the rest of you

 **Byleth:** this ain't about you sylvain

 **Sylvain:** aw :(

 **Yuri:** Pardon the interruption but what the fuck? not all of us are himbos, for example, me.

 **Byleth:** someone tell him cause im bout to hurt his feelings

**Claude: PFFFFFFFFFFF**

**Dimitri:** Well, if no one is going to answer the professor's question. Then I will. The reason we are "Himbos" is because we're mostly young and immature students who haven't developed a full mind yet. You get wiser with age they say.

 **Byleth:** shut your _greasy ass hair up dimitri yall know yall aint ever gonna stop being stupid with two O's_

 **Byleth:** _yall aint stupid_

 **Byleth:** _yall aint stopid_

**Byleth: _yall are stoopid_**

**Dedue:** How dare you insult his highness like that? I should file a complaint with Rhea for these actions

 **Dimitri:** Now now Dedue, The professor was simply joking. I had quite a laugh myself

 **Byleth:** **_BITCH YOU THINK IM JOKIN?_ **

**Claude:** That's it. I'm officially deceased. goodbye, this chat has killed me.

 **Sylvain:** But to add on with Dimitri's answer. Yeah, we're mostly young and stupid kids that haven't learned much yet. There's no one dumber than me though

 **Balthus:** Oh lol I joined this 3 days ago and forgot to leave the chat

 **Sylvain:** Fuck.

 **Byleth:** Well, I guess my question has been answered. Thank you, you god damn himbos. It was bothering me all day.

 **Claude:** No problem teach, thank you for killing me with laughter

 **Sylvain:** And thanks for making me be the center of attention for once ;)

 **Dimitri:** You're welcome professor. Perhaps you could stay a bit longer in the chatroom?

 **Byleth:** Sorry, can't. I have to attend a faculty meeting with the church. But before I go

**[Byleth has changed the chatroom's name to: "Fodlan BHimbo Institution"]**

**Claude:** AKLSJDNGYUAJKWHUDK:OIAGHJSKHGVBFJNKDHAGVSJDFGAIJOSDGUYAIJWOGUYSDUHIYAFTUIOSGFUOIAHGYFSUIJDGUYAHWJLGYUFDHIOJUGYSAIHOJHGUYFOIJAYUSIDOJGUYWIHA IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE GOODBYE

**[Claude has left the chatroom]**

**Byleth:** Good day you himbos

**[Byleth left the chatroom]**

* * *

**After the meeting**

Rhea pulled Byleth aside

"Professor, It seems that the males of the houses have all gotten together and have recently partaken in... Unusual activities." Rhea looked at him suspiciously

"Oh? Please do elaborate." Byleth said with a stern face but was internally screaming

"It seems they have been gathering near the pond and fishing for 'The Pride Fish' as they call it, I know this because I can hear Claude yelling all the way from down there. I do not know what this means but it sounds to be an inappropriate action. Please watch after them." Rhea looked at him more

"Oh... Is- Is that so?" Byleth tried to keep a straight face

"Yes. You wouldn't know anything about it would you?" Rhea got close

"No no! Not at all! I have not instigated this behavior at all!" Byleth looked away

"Hm... Very well... Just look after them. This is a holy place, I would like the students to reflect that." Rhea backed away

"Yes Archbishop Rhea." He nodded

**Later...**

"ALRIGHT BIMBOS. STEP ASIDE. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW TO CATCH A PRIDE FISH!" Byleth showed up to the pond to try and one up the group of boys, fishing at the pond

"Teach! Glad you could join us!" Claude smiled along with the rest of the boys, They all made some space for him and had a grand time.

**Even More Later...**

"I thought you said you would watch after them!" Rhea scolded him

"I never said that I'd restrict them." Byleth testified

He was later ordered to wear a sign around his neck that said "I partake in inappropriate actions" 

* * *

**A Meme I saw on Twitter:**

**[Made by: @wrongbluelions on Twitter](https://twitter.com/wrongbluelions/status/1248565035699326978) **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like that?  
> No?  
> Makes sense.


	3. "We all know Hubert's playlist is full of emo post hardcore Circa 2010" - Ferdinand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The gang discuss their playlists"

**Near the dorm rooms...**

Byleth went to the dorm rooms on the second floor to ask Claude a question, after he asked the question he left Claude's room but bumped into Mercedes.

"Oh, Hello Professor!" She smiled brightly, It had no effect on Byleth's gay ass

"Good day, Mercedes. I assume you are coming back from attending church?" He said politely

"Indeed! Thank you for asking professor! May I ask why you didn't attend today?"

"Grading papers and faculty meetings, I am much too busy." He chuckled

"I see, It's such a shame you are not a student professor. You could be able to attend more!" Mercedes giggled

"Well, I must go. Have a good day, Ms. Martritz" He smiled lightly

"Likewise Professor." She entered her room. Byleth started walking away. Not even a minute later, He heard

 _ **"SOTHIS TAKE THE WHEEEEEEEL. TAKE IT FROM MY HAND."**_ which was muffled by Mercedes' door, from down the hallway, which startled anyone within the radius of her room.

Claude left his room and went down the hallway and banged on Mercedes' door.

"FOR SOTHIS' SAKE MERCEDES. THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME YOU'VE DONE THAT THIS MONTH."

That was the last thing Byleth heard before walking down the stairs back to his dorm.

* * *

_ **FODLAN MAGIC MESSAGING SYSTEM** _

_ **DATE CREATED: 6/7/1180** _

_ **TODAY'S DATE: 6/14/1180** _

_ **CREATED BY: Byleth** _

**Caspar:** Someone tell Ashe that it's okay for him to put his bed next to mine. We're married.

 **Dimitri:** Ashe still isn't accustomed to the idea of Minecraft Marriage, Caspar. Perhaps try Animal Crossing.

 **Claude:** Just take his bed and put it next to yours. Simple.

**[Byleth has entered the chatroom]**

**Byleth:** Yo, out of curiosity what do ya'll got on your playlists

 **Dimitri:** Oh! Hello professor!

 **Dimitri:** Also, Thank you for asking professor. I have a very specific taste for orchestral music. It sounds so refined and perfect, It helps me get motivated before every fight as well. It allows me to be much more aggressive and less passive towards my enemies

**[Byleth has sent an image]**

**Byleth:** That's a bit too noble for my taste.

 **Dimitri:** Fair enough, I guess not all people can appreciate the melodic yet aggressive sounds of orchestral music.

 **Claude:** 🅱️enis Music is what I listen to

 **Byleth:** Quite frankly, I am not surprised. You could tell me you listen to nothing but All Star and I'd believe you?

 **Claude:** What?! Come on! I was joking! I don't listen to that!

 **Byleth:** Then what DO you listen to on your playlist?

 **Claude:** Bruno Mars and other cheesy romantic songs...

 **Byleth:** wh

 **Byleth:** wh att he fuck?

 **Claude:** oH IM SORRY. WHAT DO _YOU_ LISTEN TO?

 **Byleth:** Literally everything you could imagine.

 **Claude:** Bullshit.

 **Byleth:** Try me.

**[Hubert has entered the chatroom]**

**Hubert:** Have you listened to "Hold On Till May" off Pierce The Veil's second studio album, "Collide with the Sky"?

 **Byleth:** Please, I've listened to the album 5 times.

 **Hubert:** What about Sleeping With Siren's "If You Can't Hang"? from 2011?

 **Byleth:** That I've listened to 20 times. Not the album though. Kellin's vocals are too helium-filled.

 **Hubert:** _**listen here you mercenary piece of shit, idc that you're a professor. i will end you for that. dont you dare insult Kellin ever again** _

**Byleth:** Is he always like this?

 **Ferdinand:** More or less. Hubert tried growing the signature "Shaggy Early 2010s Emo" Hair. He failed miserably.

 **Hubert:** It was just an evolution of my style. It made me look more menacing.

 **Ferdinand:** No. No it didn't. It made you look like another scene kid.

 **Hubert:** Is that supposed to be a bad thing?

**Ferdinand:** YES. IT'S 1180. THE EARLY 2010S ARENT UNTIL 830 YEARS LATER. YOU DONT WANT YOUR PORTRAIT TO BE YOU IN SCENE KID HAIR. IT'S GOING TO BE DOCUMENTED.

 **Hubert:** You wouldn't understand you smug bastard.

**[Hubert has left the chatroom]**

**Ferdinand:** Sothis almighty. I'm pretty sure we all know Hubert's playlist is full of emo post hardcore circa 2010. Which is weird, considering it's 1180.

 **Byleth:** Shhhhhh... Don't question it... It lets us get more hits on AO3.

 **Ferdinand:** Fair enough

 **Byleth:** While you're here Ferdinand, what does your playlist consist of?

 **Ferdinand:** Well, mostly JoJo openings and endings. They just hit different.

 **Byleth:** Oh, well then. I certainly do infact hate that.

 **Ferdinand:** Why do you hate JoJo?

 **Byleth:** I don't hate JoJo. I just hate what you're alluding to.

 **Ferdinand:** :)

 **Byleth:** Anyone else wanna say what they listen to?

 **Yuri** **:** Bad bitch music.

 **Byleth:** wh what

 **Yuri:** You have eyes, you can read.

 **Byleth:** I know you said bad bitch music but I would prefer for you to e l a b o r a t e. you homo.

 **Yuri:** I forgot the title, but the one that goes like "I like cash and my hair to my ass"

 **Byleth:** Okay i think i've heard enough.

 **Yuri:** Damn right, because I'm a bad bitch.

 **Balthus:** Since the boss is pitching in, I might as well. I just listen to anything that sounds big and epic, Like me!

 **Byleth:** Like?

 **Balthus:** I don't know. I haven't found anything as big and epic as me.

 **Byleth:** Of course you haven't.

 **Caspar:** I listen to a lot of alternative rock! It really captures my young personality!

 **Byleth:** Sweet Sothis, I am afraid to ask what you listen to.

 **Caspar:** Weezer, Remo Drive, Modern Baseball and a lot of other stuff

 **Byleth:** TASTE

 **Caspar:** I know!

 **Sylvain:** I just listen to the same 15 songs on repeat.

 **Byleth:** Like?

 **Sylvain:** Sugar Ray, Fastball, The Fray. Not that much. I'm not a good listener.

 **Byleth:** I can tell. You keep getting D's on your tests.

 **Sylvain:** And that's on purpose babeeeeeey

 **Ashe:** Would anyone like to know what I listen to?

 **Byleth:** Of course Ashe! All are welcome!

 **Ashe:** I listen to Black Metal!

 **Byleth:** you WHAT

 **Ashe:** Is it too childish?

 **Byleth:** ashe... you realize black metal is satanic, and we got to a school about THE GODDESS. DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM?

 **Ashe:** It's satanic? I guess I never realized! Silly me I guess! I just use it as sleep music so i don't really notice.

 **Byleth:** _**YOU WHAT** _

**Byleth:** Ashe. Please spare me the details and not list your favorite songs.

 **Ashe:** Okay professor!

 **Byleth:** Anyone else have any music they listen to.

 **Linhardt:** Sleep music.

 **Byleth:** Like?

 **Linhardt:** Lo-fi.

 **Byleth:** Huh... Wasn't really expecting that from you Linhardt.

 **Linhardt:** I guess, It's not really common for me to listen to music while I sleep.

 **Byleth:** Well thank you for your insight, I'm glad I got to know a new thing today.

 **Ignatz:** I would like to say some of my favorite music!

 **Byleth:** Go ahead Ignatz!

 **Ignatz:** Anything from Love Live!

 **Byleth:** I see-

 **Ignatz:** Listen to me professor. All girls are best girl.

 **Byleth:** And I respect that.

 **Lorenz:** I would like to chime in on your musical conversations.

 **Byleth:** Oh joy, Lorenz is here. Tell us what you like.

 **Lorenz:** The opera! Specifically ones with Dorothea in them!

 **Byleth:** LADEE-FUCKEN-DAH WHO WOULDVE THUNK IT? NOT ME-

 **Lorenz:** You're just upset because of my exquisite taste.

 **Byleth:** No. No i'm really not. And please stop patting yourself on the back.

 **Byleth:** Anyone else?

 **Byleth:** No?

 **Byleth:** Fair enough. Well it seems I shall be off now, there is another faculty meeting.

 **Dimitri:** Good day professor!

 **Claude:** Dimitri, Why are you such a kiss ass towards teach?

 **Dimitri:** Am not!

 **Caspar:** See ya' professor!

 **Linhardt:** Goodbye professor, I shall also leave to take a nap.

**[Linhardt has left the chatroom]**

**Byleth:** Goodbye everyone, Have a nice day!

**[Byleth has left the chatroom]**

* * *

**After the meeting**

Rhea once again pulled Byleth aside after the meeting.

"Professor, There have been several noise complaints about Mercedes. Please try to convince her to-"

"With all due respect, Archbishop Rhea. I am incharge of the boys of the academy. It is not under my jurisdiction for my gay ass- I mean... Hehe..." He started laughing nervously.

"What was that professor?" Rhea narrowed her eyes

"You see, I feel that if a male were to tell a woman what to do, it would come across as rude and I feel that I would be terrorizing the young lady." Byleth explained

"Fair enough, However there is someone in one of the dorms blasting what sounds like a high pitched female singing over terrible rock music-" Byleth cut Rhea off

"Say no more. I'll talk to Hubert."

* * *

**A Meme I saw on Twitter:**

**[Made by: @wronggoldendeer on Twitter](https://twitter.com/wrongoldendeer/status/1231899581471952897/photo/1) **

****


	4. h e l p - author's note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> h e L P

**Hey!**

How's your day been? Enjoying the shit show? Cool cool, Well I wanna ask YOU! Random reader who's reading this terrible meme-filled story!

Do I make this a bit more nsfw? I've been wanting to do this but in terms of nsfw I mean, more pp jokes, more dark jokes, and a bit more serious topics AND ANGSTY STUFF!

I wanted this to be a lighthearted fic but IF YOU GUYS WANT to turn this into a more explicit fic go to

[This straw poll](http://www.strawpoll.me/19776606)

And vote whether i should turn it nsfw or nah that's all!

New chapter SHOULD be coming out in about a day or two. time for me to go back into the void

AAAAAAAAAAAA **AAAAAAAA _AAAAAAAAAAA̶̠̗̪̭̰̘̰͓͉̫͆̍̈̌̃͗̅͒̿̂̿͛͘͠A̶̛̲̲̜̯̣̖͇̖͇̜͕̩͌̌̃͛̎̎̇̑̽̃͋͘̚͝Ã̶͍͛͐̽̏̽̀̅͝Ä̵̧̢̠̯͔͓͈̳̝̱̝̼͈́͆͘Ą̴̱̱͉̩̬̹̟͈̯̲̯̭̹͆̃͋̐͑́͐̄̚Ȁ̷̧̤͙̦͈̠̠͈̫̙̂͆̊̉̒͐̑̔̍̏͂̈́ͅA̴̢̭̦̭͍̰̔̃̅̈́͗̉̂̂͑̓̌̔̇̇̌Ȧ̷̺̗̰̩̝͖̫͚̭͛̇̐͋̇́̄̚͜A̷̢̠̲͖̪̳̥̟̱̎̿̆̊͒̿̈̅̄͋͜͝͝A̸̢̛̪̭͕̩̳̭̫̤̦̘̯̱̩̐̌̿́̍̇̊̆̀͠A̸̧̱̻̮͂-_**

*goes back into the void*

* * *

... is he gone? ok good horny people have no rights KJNDSKJNFKJN

you may (or may not) have noticed that there's also two creators to this fic! i'm creamkxtt, but you can just call me cream or josu! i'm jazzy's sister and a complete dumbass HAHAH

i definitely won't make as many chapters as jazzy (thanks advanced schooling) BUT i will update from time to time! hopefully there won't be too much of a stark contrast between me and jazzys chapters oop--

but yeah! it's nice to meet you all!

also, one more thing!

thank you for 185 hits and 22 kudos already! it may not seem like much, but we're pleased to know that people are genuinely enjoying our stupid shitposts!

have a gureto day!

-cream


	5. Chapter Update

**Hi!**

You may be wondering where the next chapter is, well it's currently in Limbo right now. Aka, My brain cant think of anything funny.

At the moment I find myself using the delete button more because I'm walking a thin line between acceptable and non-acceptable jokes.

It could be the fear of me being cancelled or it could just me being unfunny. In any way,

I apologize whole heartedly for the lack of chapters recently, I promise there will be one in 2-3 days.

Thank you for your patience and once agan, I am so very sorry.

I hope you're all staying safe in these times.

But anyways!

**STAY HYDRATED!!!**

**WASH YOUR HANDS!!!**


	6. (NSFW 18+) "I TOLD YOU TO WEAR THE BALL GAG" - Sylvain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (NSFW 18+)  
> "The gang questions their sex tendencies"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When this chapter is released, All characters are now aged up to at least 18 due to the fact that people under the age of 18 that fuck is weird.

**7 A.M.**

**FODLAN MONASTERY**

Byleth and his group of commoner himbos walk up to the hallway of nobles living in dorms to wake them up, because they have a day of fun ahead of them

"Alright guys, Let's wake these noble himbos up then get to the hangout spot I made while no one was looking and just swim without having to worry about looking at breasts because breasts are disgusting. They aren't, clearly, it was a joke. That's what my gay ass tells me. You see I am someone who appreciates female bodies, however I am not attracted to them in the sli-"

"Professor." Yuri chimed in with a smile

"Yes, Yuri?" Byleth smiled back at him

"Stop talking." Yuri walked to one of the boys of nobility's dorm and started banging on a door, the rest quickly followed Yuri's lead while Byleth was left standing there processing his ramblings about his lack of attraction to women.

**Waking up Dimitri**

"Your majesty. The professor has provided us a place of leisure. I suggest that you wake at once." Dedue said through the door

"With all due respect to the professor, Dedue. I'm quite tired and exhausted from yesterday's training..." Dimitri replied while laying in his bed.

"Very well then. Rest well, Your majesty. Professor! It seems that Dimitri is too exhausted, Is he allowed to be absent during this event?" Dedue asked the professor

"Eh, sure why not. Training nearly killed the man from exhaustion yesterday, It'll be a bummer not to swim with him though" Byleth yelled from down the hall

As soon as Dimitri heard the word, "Swim" he quite literally jumped out of bed and threw the door open

"On second thought! I would love to partake in these activities professor!" Dimitri said with an excited look on his face, not the excited type when you're gonna go to Disneyland. The horny excited.

"Is the professor in nothing but swimwear a thought that fuels you to do this?" Dedue questioned

"No absolutely not, I would just like to appreciate the professor's swim form if we were to battle in water." Dimitri retaliated quite badly

"Pardon my asking, My lord, but in what case shall we be-"

"Professor! Please show me your swim form!" Dimitri headed towards Byleth, leaving Dedue standing there

**Waking up Claude**

Ignatz knocked on Claude's door to try and wake him up

"Claude, We're going swimming-"

As soon as Ignatz said that sentence, Claude opened the door. He was wearing a button shirt that was open, swimming trunks, and sunglasses, while holding a beach chair

"Let's go." Is all Claude said before joining in and trying to wake the others

**Waking up Sylvain**

"Sylvain! We're going to go swimming! Wake up!" Byleth banged on Sylvain's door, Yuri came over shortly

"Any luck?" Yuri questioned

"No, What about you? Did you wake up Felix?"

"I didn't bother. He seems like a person to not partake in this."

"Fair enough, He probably has better things to do anyways."

Byleth banged on the door again

"Wake up you fuckin' himbo! I thought you wanted to go swimming!"

"I-In a second professor- Gah!" Sylvain yelled through the door

"Sylvain! A-Are you okay in there!" Byleth said with concern and caution

"Mmn... Y-Yeah! J-Just give me a few minute- F-Fuck!" Sylvain sounded in trouble

"Shit, Something's probably wrong. Yuri, You can pick locks. Right?" Byleth turned towards Yuri

"Yeah, just give me a couple of seconds." Yuri started picking the lock on the door

"Sylvain! We're coming in! Don't fret!" Byleth reassured him

"W-W-Wait! Don't!-" Sylvain tried to talk them out of it but the door swung open as soon as Yuri was done picking the lock

"Sylvain! Are you oka-" Byleth was stunned and disturbed at the sight before him

What Byleth and Yuri saw was something they would never mention to anyone else that day.

Sylvain and, mostly, Felix were covered in bite marks, semen, and other things they wish they hadn't seen.

"G-GET OUT!" Felix threw a pillow at the door towards Byleth and Yuri and they quickly closed the door

"Yuri... You saw what I saw right?" Byleth said with a blank stare

"Sylvain going balls deep into Felix's wooden plank?" Yuri said back with also a blank stare

"And how they looked like they'd been doing this for hours?" Byleth asked again

"Yep..." Yuri responded

"Let's just wake the rest of them and leave."

"Mhm."

Byleth and Yuri went to wake the others and did not speak about this to anyone

* * *

**The Next Day...**

_ **FODLAN MAGIC MESSAGING SYSTEM** _

_ **DATE CREATED: 6/7/1180** _

_ **TODAY'S DATE: 6/20/1180** _

_ **CREATED BY: Byleth** _

**Byleth:** So, What do you guys think? Did everyone have fun yesterday?

 **Dimitri:** Yes, Professor! I did! Thank you for showing me your swimming form

 **Claude:** Yeah, I guess. It was alright.

 **Byleth:** Claude you took control of the lights and made it seem like this pool in a hotel with a bar down in Atlantic City

 **Claude:** Yeah. That was fun.

 **Byleth:** Remember, No one tell Rhea or any of the other faculty about this or I get fired. Is that what you want? For me to be fired?

 **Yuri:** Yes

 **Byleth:** That means "No" in Yuri speak right?

 **Yuri:** No

 **Byleth:** Got it so it means No in Yuri speak

 **Dedue:** Besides the part where I had to help Dimitri conquer his fear of the deep end, Yes. It was quite enjoyable. Thank you professor.

 **Ashe:** Caspar taught me how to swim! So I enjoyed it a lot!

 **Caspar:** Seeing him swimming by himself hit different. I love Ashe even more now.

 **Ashe:** Ily more!

**[Caspar has sent an image]**

**Ashe:** Awwww!~ I wuv you!~

 **Caspar:** *goes into cardiac arrest because of the cuteness*

 **Byleth:** That's fucking adorable.

 **Byleth:** Anyone else have fun?

 **Claude:** I think everyone had fun teach.

**[Sylvain has entered the chatroom]**

**[Felix has entered the chatroom]**

**Dimitri:** Sylvain! Felix! Where were you two yesterday?

 **Sylvain:** Oh, just around. You know? I was busy

 **Felix:** I don't have to tell you anything. Boar.

_**Byleth & Yuri are typing...** _

**Felix:** I don't have to tell you two anything either

**_Byleth & Yuri stopped typing._ **

**Felix:** You two are fucking unbelievable.

 **Claude:** Well, If you won't tell them. I will. I'm supposing you two were fucking the entire day.

 **Dimitri:** w _hAT?!_

 **Ferdinand:** e x c u s e m e ?

 **Ashe:** W OWIE ZOWIE THAT'S A SPICY MEATABALLA

 **Lorenz:** THE POWER OF SOTHIS COMPELS YOU

 **Felix:** CLAUDE YOU MOTHERFUCKER! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M GOING TO RIP YOU TO SHREDS!

 **Claude:** Yeah, When is the question. After Sylvain probably fucked you until you couldn't walk anymore. It's an important question

 **Byleth:** JAKSNDUHAJNSHDU IM DONE CLAUDE YOU GET AN A+ TODAY

 **Hubert:** Shameless, the both of you.

 **Caspar:** That's awfully lewd.

 **Balthus:** Hot

 **Yuri:** Claude? How did you figure out about this? You weren't there when we walked in on them going at it like rabbits

 **Claude:** Oh, My dorm's right next to Sylvain's so I heard a certain someone say "Fuck me harder!" in the early morning. Probably like at 4:29 AM.

 **Felix:** Oh my fucking god...

 **Sylvain:** I TOLD YOU TO WEAR THE BALL GAG

 **Felix:** SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DUMB BITCH

 **Sylvain:** WHY ARE YOU BOOING ME IM RIGHT

 **Byleth:** My question is why do you two go at it like rabbits on the day we were supposed to go out?

 **Sylvain:** We were supposed to go out?

 **Byleth:** YES. I TOLD EVERYONE LIKE 3 DAYS AGO

* * *

**3 Days Ago...**

**Byleth:** Yo, Himbos. We're going to swim in 3 days get ready.

**[Read by everyone]**

* * *

**Sylvain:** YOURE DEALING WITH A GROUP OF 18 YEAR OLDS THAT LACK _**ANY**_ BRAINCELLS

 **Byleth:** Fair enough. But while we are on this subject, Has anyone else got to fess up that they've been going at it like animals?

 **Byleth:** Wow, I'm surprised that the only horny ones here are Sylvain and Felix

 **Felix:** SHUT UP

 **Byleth:** You just can't face the facts that both of ya'll are horny.

 **Felix:** I'M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU

 **Byleth:** Sylvain probably does that to you too

**[Felix has left the chatroom]**

**Byleth:** Ha, fuckin' bottom.

 **Dimitri:** Sylvain, May I ask why you and Felix partake in such... Sinful activities?

 **Sylvain:** I like him, He likes me, eventually we get touchy, then we bone.

 **Dimitri:** That's not how relationships work Sylvain

 **Byleth:** No, that's exactly how relationships work. He's right

 **Claude:** Yeah, he's right.

 **Dimitri:** WHA? YOU NEED TO PRACTICE NOT BEING HORNY

 **Claude:** That's like asking a rabbit not to jump

 **Dimitri:** ENOUGH OF THE RABBIT ANALOGY

 **Byleth:** Hehe, Anal-ogy.

 **Dimitri:** _**PROFESSOR-** _

**Byleth:** Sorry.

 **Sylvain:** I'm sure you've jacked off at least once in the monastery, your princeliness.

 **Dimitri:** Ridiculous, I have no need for those activities. I am perfectly pure.

 **Claude:** If it were up to me, I'd be straight fuckin' teach raw every saturday night

**Dimitri: CLAUDE**

**Byleth:** You're not gonna get a higher grade if you do

 **Dimitri:** _**PROFESSOR** _

**Ashe:** You all need to practice healthy relationships, Me and Caspar do not partake in such sinful activities. We only hug and hold hands and peck eachother!

 **Byleth:** THAT"S DISGUSTING

 **Claude:** BLEHHHHHHHH

 **Ferdinand:** Sinful.

 **Caspar:** That's gay.

 **Ashe:** Caspar we've been dating for-

 **Byleth:** I'm surprised no one else goes at it like rabbits, only those two.

 **Ferdinand:** Well...

 **Byleth:** NOOOO ANYTHING BUT YOU FERDIE...

 **Ferdinand:** Blame Hubert's emo looking ass giving me the "i wanna fuck" eyes

 **Byleth:** HE HAS ONE EYE

 **Ferdinand:** He moves his hair when he fucks, thank you very much

 **Hubert:** I would like for you to keep that private, dear. Or else there will be consequences.

 **Ferdinand:** I'm sorry dear. I felt left out.

 **Hubert:** It's alright. I'll let you off just this once.

 **Byleth:** Alright... I'm gonna take a nap because I'm done with everyone's horniness... I need to rest this shit away

 **Dimitri:** Goodbye professor, Please do not fuck Claude

 **Claude:** No no no, Please DO fuck Claude

 **Byleth:** Night, Homos.

**[Byleth has exited the chatroom]**

* * *

**A Few Days Later...**

Byleth is walking towards the secret swimming hangout to relax by himself when he spots something from a distance.

That something was Sylvain and Felix going at it in the water like no tomorrow

"God fucking dammit, Now I'm gonna have to clean it thoroughly before we go into it the next time... Well I'm gonna have to confront them about this... Eventually, It'll be nice blackmail material."

Byleth turned around and head to Claude's dorm

When Byleth opened the door, Claude was laying there in a shirt that said "If you hard, then you hard"

"No Claude, I'm not fucking you." Byleth looked at him blankly

"God dammit, Next time maybe?" Claude said courageously

"No." Byleth got his journal and walked out

"I'll get you next time, teach!" Claude said with a seductive look on his face

Even Byleth's gay ass was unfazed

* * *

**Author's Note**

Hey, It's been a while. Thanks for sticking around guys. I'm sorry I haven't been writing more than I usually do it's kinda hard with things that are going on right now plus I had to walk a fine long between acceptable and not acceptable. This is the first time this story is gonna try NSFW stuff so it's gonna be bad, but on top of that I'm really tired so it's gonna be very sloppy, I'm so sorry that things aren't usually up to par as they normally are but I'm gonna improve with time and more experience

Stay Hydrated!!!

Wash Your Hands!!! 


	7. Updateeeee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Have I been?

Uhhhh Hi. Sooooo... It's been 2 months, where have I been? One word: FINALS. Studying is something I priortize so... ye. Sorry for not updating. As soon as summer hits you can for sure see more chapters! And maybe more fics? Anyone like Ensemble Stars here? 👀


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